Subaudition
by Yoshiyuki Ly
Summary: The unspoken keeps working against them. Fang/Light/Serah. No incest is included in the story, so click.
1. Subaudition

**Note **– Past Farroncest references are abundant here. And you know what? I was in the mood to write this, so if you're not in the mood to read it then please leave. Flames with any kind of 'eww' about them will be responded to scathingly. There is no outright sex written between the sisters. Feel better now?

**Pairings **– Lightning/Serah (past, mentioned heavily), Serah/Snow, Lightning/Fang, Vanille/Hope. Serah/Light/Fang triangle for a bit, with Lightning in the center of it all. _No threesomes._

**Warnings **– Scenes of an explicitly sexual nature, coarse language, substance (ab)use, voyeurism, incest.

**Disclaimer **– No I don't own Final Fantasy XIII or any of its constituents. All copyright belongs to Square-Enix. Court orders will be frowned upon.

_Subaudition: An act or instance of understanding or mentally supplying something not expressed._

It all started again when Serah told me to join her for dinner after she was done trying on wedding dresses. Only this time, it was so much different than before. Much more subtle, in some ways.

We weren't the only ones there at this loud dinner at her favorite, cheap restaurant that night. It was all of us—Snow, Hope, Sazh, Dajh, Vanille, Fang, Yuj, Gadot, Lebreau, and Maqui. One big, happy family, out to dinner, celebrating the upcoming wedding. Celebrating Fang and Vanille's awakening from crystal stasis, celebrating our comfortable move to Gran Pulse, and the finished reconstruction and vast expansion of Oerba—where we all lived.

And then there was Serah. I think she was celebrating how much she missed us. Me and her. That's the us. From the way she kept trying to make eye contact with me, wearing that little smile of hers, it was obvious. I had no idea what I did to make her want me again. I didn't know how I felt about it, in detail.

I didn't sit next to her. Snow was next to her. I didn't want to be anywhere near either of them, and Fang happened to be sitting the farthest from them, so I ended up between her and Sazh. The rectangular table was long enough for all of us, and the building was dark and crowded enough for me to have an excuse to keep to myself. _Don't mind her, she's just too shy to raise her voice! _Serah had said.

Or maybe I didn't want to be here. Ever think of that? No. She's too selfish to care about how I really feel. Never mind how little I knew about my own feelings. Besides, I didn't need her to care—I needed her to move on with her life already. If I brought it up she'd just try and get her way with me. I know her. I hated this. I hated not knowing what I should do other than stay quiet and keep to myself.

It was hard to even do that much when everything about my surroundings was getting on my last nerve. And it wasn't just Serah and her coy glances. I hate the sounds of utensils scraping and clattering against plates. I hate it when people don't have the decency to not talk with their mouth full. I hate that Serah thinks she can go off and marry Snow and still keep me under wraps. Well I'm _not_ falling for it.

"Light?" Fang's whispered concern crawled through my ear, like a child. A lost toddler who had no idea what she was in for, "You all right there? You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?" I bristled when I felt her soft, parched hand on my bare thigh, right by my knee. "Will you come outside with me?"

"No." That answered all of her questions, at least. I reached for my glass of water, finding it empty when I held it. It was sweating, like the hand on my skin. "Take your hand off my thigh. I'm not going anywhere until the others are ready to leave."

"And just why not?"

"Because it's rude."

"Rude, like how you're not speaking to anyone, and ignoring me? Well aren't _you_ one to talk!"

A waiter roamed by, noticed me holding an empty glass and an empty expression she took as discontent, and quickly moved to give me more water. The sound of the cold liquid filling my cup and my hand for all I knew distracted me from whatever everyone was laughing about. Everyone except Fang—the only one with enough sense to see that something was wrong with me. How do you tell an old friend something like this? How do you tell her you once had a thing for your _sister_, _with _your sister, and now said sister was back and wanted to bring those _feelings_ back too?

I didn't know, and I didn't want to find out how. I sipped my water, glaring so hard at my empty plate when Serah smiled at me again out of the corner of my eye. Fang tightened her hold on my thigh affectionately, going back to her own silence. No one ever said a word to me. Her supportive hand didn't move for the rest of our time there.

A week went by, but I didn't go through it. Not quite. I submerged myself in my work, did overtime, and came home tired as hell every morning. I worked the graveyard shift, giving me an excuse to ignore anyone who called me or decided to pay me a visit. I slept the world away and had the strangest dreams…

On the first night of that week, I dreamt about it; woke up feeling so pissed off at myself. The first time…happened after mom died. Serah had been devastated, weak. Vulnerable. I had been the opposite, because I _had_ to be. I shouldn't have done what I did. I know whenever I think about it now, I tell myself I had let it happen because I wanted to make her feel better. I wanted to protect her from her sadness, but I really only gave her false hope. In reality, all I had done was turn her into a very good liar.

She had boyfriends after that, to see if I was jealous. I never was. Snow went to such lengths for her, so of course she had to marry him. I was never jealous of him either. Still…sometimes, I'll find myself wanting her again. But only on special occasions. Everyone has their _moments_. Sadly, so did I.

And yet I knew I needed to move on completely, find some way to get rid of this power she had over me. To find some way to get her to stop calling me with that one thing on her mind. I didn't want to talk to her unless it was about the wedding. Maybe she'd leave me alone after she legally belonged to Snow.

Somehow, I doubted that.

Every night after that, Fang was in my dreams. We would be out somewhere, like the Sulyya Springs or Vallis Media, talking. Sometimes she would figure out what the problem was and get disgusted and leave me there, leave me miserable beyond explanation. The rest of the times we didn't talk about Serah, or my problem. She was always so affectionate, so nice to me, just like she was in real life. Fang was the only one who ever treated me that way, as if my coldness was my way of showing her I cared about her just as much.

I suppose…that really was the case. I'm not a very caring person, not naturally. I usually have to force myself to remember to smile at Hope, or to ask Snow as nicely as possible to not come to me with his relationship problems. _I'm _the reason why his fiancée doesn't want to sleep with him, but I wasn't about to tell him that. He can keep thinking Serah's saving herself for their honeymoon night. Fine by me.

In the mean time, it was my night off, and I had agreed to meet Fang at the Sulyya Springs of all places. I got to the area she was sitting at, near the water's edge with a small bonfire next to her. She was reclining, one elbow behind her, one leg bent and the other crossed over her knee, smoking as usual. It was some centuries-old thing I never bothered asking about. She didn't refer to it as a drug and I could tell it wasn't unhealthy or anything. I figured it was what kept her so mellow all the time.

"Right on time, as usual," she observed, calm as ever, without even looking at me as I approached.

"How do you know I'm right on time?" I sat down beside her with my legs over the rocky cliff, crossing them while I sat up straight. I looked back at her skeptically, "You don't own a watch."

She gave a skyward nod, "I can tell by the moon. It's how I've always been able to tell time. Besides, you don't own a watch either." The short green stick she held between two fingers was right next to her parted mouth while she studied me with a smirk, "Maybe I should buy one for you."

How thoughtful. But… "I don't need one. It would only get in the way."

I moved my gaze in front of me, watching the hoary waterfall not too far away. She let out a deep breath, and then a mist of glittering silver smoke floated along my line of sight and against my face. It felt and smelled like powder. A soft powder, one as soft and dejected as her sigh. I clasped my hands over my lap, lightly pulling at my fingers. I wished she'd say something already.

Then she spoke again, quieter this time, "How long have we known each other now? A year and a half?" I nodded. It's been about that long, yeah. "Then explain to me why it is you're still so distant. I always have to go out of my way to get you to spend some time with me."

My usual mechanic answer, "I've been busy with work. You know that."

"Sometimes I think that's all I know about you. It _really _bugs the hell out of me." I turned, eyes widening a little when she looked away, impatiently throwing her stick in the fire. I quickly turned back and pretended like I didn't see anything. "It's like you _want_ your work to keep you away from everyone!"

Why was she so angry? And why did I feel so bad about her mood? "No, not everyone." I looked up at the stars scattered about the milky blue sky. The waves of heat and her eyes on my back felt…so comfortable. "I haven't always made the best decisions…" I could almost hear her ask jokingly, _Who doesn't? _And yet she didn't. She was listening patiently. I started to turn and face her, "Fang…"

When it didn't seem like I was going to tell her anything else, she looked so pained. Even the fire flickering in her eyes dimmed down in her disappointment. I felt even worse when she moved her gaze away to stare at the ember, most likely wishing she hadn't thrown away her only distraction from me.

My guilt made me reach out and hold her lukewarm hand in mine, keeping my body curled uncomfortably to face her as much as I could. She still wouldn't look at me. Was this how Serah felt, now that I was blowing her off without a word? I never meant for Fang to feel this way…only my sister.

The hand in mine tensed, tried to pull away, but I wouldn't let it. "Why won't you look at me?" Her features were so angry—so red and orange and white and yellow and livid. So _alive_… "Fang…what's wrong? Why does it bother you this much that I'm never around?"

She wouldn't answer me. I was careful in moving so that I faced her completely, sitting on my knees and holding her hand in both of mine. I wanted her to look at me. I needed her to, to stop this odd feeling in my bones. It was like they were pulsing for her attention, now that she's shown me how much she wanted mine. No one's ever cared this much about me before. Not like this.

I moved our hands to my lap, looking down at hers while I spoke quietly over the crackling fire, "I know I'm not the easiest person to keep in touch with, but I like how you make an effort with me. You're stubborn. I've always liked that about you, how much you try with me." I knew what I wanted to say next, and I wondered how she'd take the words. If she was acting this way, then I wanted to see how she'd react to something else, "You must really like me…"

"Yeah…" She finally faced me, looking at me so hard that it pushed my face down into a confused frown. "I do, actually. I was wondering when you'd ask. You'd've thought it was obvious, by now… It amazes me how thick even _you _can be, sometimes…when you're busy with other things. You almost turn into a different person when you're avoiding me…"


	2. Diary of a Light Fiend

Listen here—I ain't your typical woman who needs a lover to always be there for them, as their support system, as their everything when they need it. I don't need support; I give it. That's what I have Vanille and the rest of my family for. That's not to say I haven't had my fair share of partners, now.

I used to kill myself in small amounts. Did every drug I could find on this planet, to find some way to get rid of the pain I was in. The pain of having to keep going, to act against an entire world, to be stronger. In every relationship I've had, it wasn't about love. It was about fighting, because they couldn't understand me. Hell, I didn't even understand myself, and I took it out on them. I've left more men in tears than anyone I know. That was before I became a l'Cie, before I failed my Focus the first time. That was before I met _her_.

Lightning is the one I should never touch. But I can't stop this urge. Who am I kidding? I can't even touch her; she doesn't want me. She knows what I get up to. Why would she involve herself in that, in me? She was too modest for all that. I should stay away from her, keep myself from hurting her. Yet somehow, I have this feeling, a strong one, that _she'll_ be the one who blows my heart to pieces…

I can't even _start _to tell you how much that excites the fuck out of me.

For now, I'll sit here tonight by this campfire Hope made all by himself, smile at him and Vanille being all cute together across from me and pretend like I don't have nothing all that important on my mind. We were at the apex of Taejin's Tower, having been inside doing a little slaughtering and hunting. Technically we were supposed to be law-abiding citizens and let the Guardian Corps handle all the monsters, but they can't even keep up with how much those things keep multiplying by the day. _Yes _I only suggested we go hunting here on the off chance that we'd run into her. We never do, but I don't give up.

I don't smoke around them. I didn't want them to ask me questions about it, how I made it, when I started, if they could try it. I didn't even have an addiction to smoking; I'd never been addicted to anything like that. It was just something to do, something to keep my mind off things. I hate being still, I always need to be doing something. I don't do that hard shit anymore since I don't want Light to get any big ideas and arrest me for it. Then again…maybe it'd be fun if she did. I think I'd like that…

"Oh!" Vanille stopped holding Hope's hair in pigtails and stood up for some reason, looking somewhere behind me. She and Hope were waving someone over. My eyes widened a little, my ears perked up. But…no…she was at work. "Snow, Serah! How nice to see you again!" See? Now I had to calm myself down. "What brings you here?"

Snow laughed a little and sat down next to me. "Ah, nothing much. Serah couldn't sleep so I figured we'd go for a little stroll. She's excited about the wedding—I can't blame her!"

Me and him exchanged nods; I knew why 'Serah couldn't sleep'. Plus, the wedding wasn't for a few months. I watched Serah sit down next to Hope, gave her a little grin when she smiled at me before talking with him and Vanille.

We didn't talk too much. Snow always tried to make it seem like she was intimidated by me, but I haven't the foggiest as to why she would be. I felt kind of bad about it, but it's not like I needed to change her mind. She can think what she likes about me.

"She told me no again…" He gets right to the point with me—I appreciate it. I nodded; didn't even have to look over and see that he was smiling at her. Smiling so they wouldn't worry. "I don't get it… Is there something wrong with me?"

"Can't really say," I told him, moving so I had one leg bent in front of me and the other bent underneath. "The thing is, you never say why she keeps tellin' you no."

"She never tells me why… I don't press her about it."

"Maybe she's scared," I offered, giving him a smirk when he looked at me funny. "You're pretty big, y'know. I can only imagine…but you must be," I gestured with my hands, "big!"

Now I know that was weird of me, but at least I got the hero to laugh. He's been down for months. I can't say it's been bothering me, but I've started to see the man as a good friend. Vanille and Hope were always there for me too, and they knew about my huge crush on our favorite workaholic. It was only those two and Snow that knew, and he promised he wouldn't say a word to anyone.

"So how're things with Light? I haven't seen her since we all went out to dinner a few weeks ago."

I didn't know why, but every time someone brought her up, I'd get real gloomy. Pitiful, really, "The girl's been avoiding me…"

"You told her?"

"She asked if I liked her…I told her I do, more than she thinks I do. Then there was this damn silence, she wouldn't say nothin'. So I left. Haven't been able to get a hold of her since…and that was almost a week ago."

It was stupid of me to have left the way I did. The way he frowned at me said he agreed with me.

We didn't say anything after that. Snow went back to smiling at Serah, laughing whenever those three would make some joke and look at us. I more or less had my little grin on, letting out a laugh through my nose when the time was right. I couldn't say I was living the life right now, but someone had to look after these kids. It wasn't until they went to sleep that I went out. Tonight probably wasn't a good night to go anywhere—I had a good feeling something else was in store for me.

The five of us were making our way back through the village, town, city—whatever the fuck it was now—passing through a busy area. I still couldn't get used to all the buildings everywhere, all the people and velocycles and cars everywhere. They created an entire city between the mountains, over the land that was once filled with wildflowers for ages. The crystal dust was still on the ground, too. The old railroad is up and running between cities, but they tore the windmills down.

A lot of Gran Pulse was repopulated by these people. I even hear Paddra got rebuilt into a regular thriving city that's busier than Oerba. It's crazy, and I didn't know how I felt about it. These _people _are just as crazy—it's like they've all let themselves go without the fal'Cie telling them what to do anymore. Drunks running about left and right, coming out of bar after bar.

Sure enough, a couple of them came up to us. One of them tried to put their hands on Vanille, the other thought they could get Serah. I had the first one in a bloody pulp on the ground at about the same time Snow got the other lowlife…

And…sure enough…we both got arrested for it and put in holding cells at the station. _Disturbing the peace and assault_…what the hell! It wasn't our fault those wasted sods didn't notice the big guy next to Serah and the spear over my back! Stupid people make stupid decisions—I wasn't one of them! I wasn't about to let that fuck think he could touch Vanille and get away with it. I hear my sister tried to bail us out but we _had _to stay overnight, no questions asked.

Well ain't this some shit? Now I was here in a cold white room about the size of a behemoth's stomach, sitting with my shoulders and head against the wall. I had a leg bent, my other calf over my thigh, jiggling my foot and curling my ankle. My arm was over my stomach, and I was busy looking at my other hand. My knuckles were a little messed up from that guy's rock jaw. I didn't know what else to do. It was either this or look out through the bars of the door and see what was going on, but it was dark. No one was there, and Snow was way on the other side of the bigger room out there.

"I should've known."

That voice…those footsteps. I could even hear her holster moving this way and that as she walked. Well, well, well—Lady Luck decided to pay me a visit tonight!

And there she was, standing in front of the bars, a knee bent and a hand over her hip, looking at me like I was her kid that went and embarrassed her by acting up. I just gave her a little sidelong smirk; what else was there to do? She even pulled up a chair and sat down, folding her arms and crossing her legs. If she knew how tight I was holding my own legs together, from seeing her again, I wonder if she'd be surprised.

"…pitiful fuck," I thought I heard her say.

My heart picked up and my stomach was soaring, "Oh, I know I am. You ain't gotta remind me."

"Really? That's news to me."

I didn't say anything, just looked at her passively. I know that wasn't what she said, but I didn't care to know what actually came out of her mouth. I liked this little game of misinterpreting her words, on purpose. It was the only way I could get a thrill out of our conversations—she wasn't one to tease.

I never knew how to get through to her. Now that she finally knew how I felt about her, now that she was _here _in front of me, she was lucky these bars were there separating us. Or maybe I was the lucky one. I could only imagine what would happen to me if I tried anything with her, so I always kept my hands to myself unless I was honestly worried about her.

Then I started hearing things again; and her words sounded so scathing, so _sexy_, "Are you still in love with me, Fang? I can't blame you—I'm so pretty and withdrawn."

I tensed and relaxed my entire body. Breathe… "Yes. You _are _quite pretty, _and_ withdrawn. That's what I like about you, Lightning! It's a wonder how I've kept it to m'self for this long. I was scared you'd run away from me…and look what happened. You wouldn't even be here with me right now if you didn't have to."

Her eyes hardened, deepened. I kept peeking through what she let me see of her, struggling for control. And I bet she loved the show, bet she could see the anguish in my eyes. All this time, all I've been able to do is scratch around the brim of who she is, letting my mind give in to what I couldn't see, falling in love with it, with her—with what I could _and _couldn't see.

Every time I see her, I couldn't help but grin, like now, and I can tell she wants to scream at me, at the way my eyes were darkening for her. I couldn't believe all of this caught her by so much surprise the other day. I was so sure it wouldn't have…otherwise I would've kept my mouth shut.

I laughed hollowly at her scowl, "I'm never gonna get out of this mess. I'm never gonna come down. You think I'm hopeless, don't you?"

"No," she shook her head, "I think you need help."

"Is that what you're here for?"

She gave me a wry little smile, "That's what friends are for, Fang. You _are _my best friend, afterall."

"That so? You'd really stay here with me all night, help me sort out all my woes and issues? Help me understand those things you people call 'law' and 'rights'?"

"Actually," her scowl came back, made my stomach drop back down, "my shift ends early tonight. I figured I'd go home and catch up on sleep as soon as I clock out. So you have fifteen minutes of my time—use them well."

I should've known… I laughed for a moment; this girl wasn't joking. I wasn't putting her _time _to much use so far. More like I was making a complete fool out of myself, laughing out of nerves and disbelief and familiarity at the same time. She was never like this with me before. Not really…

Before I could figure out what to say, she decided to just go on, sarcasm and all, "So even you can turn up a blank on what to say around me. I would've never guessed." Then I could've _sworn _I heard her tell me, "Tragic turns into magic when I'm around, doesn't it? Tricks will always make you happy. But we all know the hat is wearing you."

I didn't know what to say to what I thought I heard. After so long of wishing she'd talk to me like that, I couldn't help my mental slip-ups, even if they were pretty damn out there. I looked at her like I didn't understand. Like I didn't understand anything except these feelings I have for her. Then…she knelt down next to the door, held her hand out to me. I reached out, wondering if she'd bite mine, not caring if she did. Her mouth had to be slower than the quickness of her scrutinizing eyes.

She held my hand in hers, in both of hers, just like that time the other night. Was she looking at me like this because she knew I had a strange liking for it? When it came to her, I loved being around her as much as I loved watching her from afar. She treated everyone different than the way she treated me. I always liked how she'd be so short with some people, with no patience for them at all.

Ever since we moved here, she's been different. There was a darkness about her, one that fascinated the hell out of me; one that I wished I knew more about. She'd always kept to herself for the most part, but these days I was finally starting to see why. Those shadows she had, I wish I could see them. I wish I could be them, be with her. And I know she could see it in my eyes right then.

So then I finally told her, "You know exactly what you're doin', don't you? Y'can't tell me you don't know what excites me about you."

She only gave me another dry smile, "You need help."

Now, we both knew I was perfectly fine. She was only on about that for the sake of talking. Light never was too good at keeping a conversation going. "Well, are you gonna give it to me or not? I'd sure appreciate it if you'd spend some more time with me."

"When's the last time you spent some time by yourself? Completely alone."

I laughed into our hands, kissing hers lightly and resting my chin over them. "I don't do that. Vanille never lets me alone, and Hope's usually with her. If I'm not with you, or out at some place for the night, then I'm asleep at home."

"And when's the last time you slept?"

"Oh, I dunno…" I rolled my eyes to the ceiling, noticed the strange look she was giving me, "I haven't slept in my bed since the night before I saw you last. Since then I've been nodding off while huntin'. I always manage to wake up before Hope or Vanille find me, don't worry."

"Fang…" She sure looked concerned for me now! "What do you want me to do? If you really want me to be worried, then fine—you win."

"I don't want you to do anything." I sat up, eased my hand from hers. "Just be yourself, Light."

I guess that pissed her off, since she was pretty quick about standing up. I kept my face propped with my arm and elbow, moving my legs to the ground and bent them, curling my ankles while I watched her watch me in the dark. She had her arms folded again, like I did something to her. I didn't do nothing—I was right behind these bars the entire time, wasn't I?

Her whisper snatched the grin off my face; I know that much, "Fine. I won't do anything. I'll be myself. You had your chance—don't say I didn't give you one."

Then she turned and walked away, seriously left me lying there feeling so stupid. I swear to you, she was never like this before. Things between us had always been real cool; we understood each other. Everything always felt right with her.

Now everything was all upside-down, so confusing. All I had to keep me company that night was the sound of Snow snoring somewhere too close for comfort. I stayed up that entire morning, playing that conversation over and over in my head, because it was all I had of her. I don't think she understood how much it hurt me and made me question myself that she kept so many things from me. If she did, and if she knew that she was the reason why I didn't seem right in the head, then more power to her…


	3. To Be Deserved

I'm so tangled in myself and I can't escape. There are two other people, who want to be tangled in me, and they have no intention of ever escaping either. Don't they realize that if one of their wishes are granted, someone's dreams will be destroyed? Or do they not care? Can't they tell, from the way I'm avoiding them? I don't want anything to do with anyone right now and that's not gonna change any time soon.

So why was I sitting on my bed, playing phone tag with Fang? She'd call, and I would let it ring, not paying attention, and pick up at the last second and hang up. She was doing the same to me—what a way to spend my night off… We've been at this for the past ten minutes. I've been getting a sick amusement from it, because I keep wondering if she's laughing her ass off over everything right outside my house.

No I didn't want anything to do with anyone. It was such a habit for me to shut myself off from the world when I couldn't handle things. Habit…hmph. I was above that by now, wasn't I? I didn't need to keep falling in the same step with everything, like a child, or a coward. Maybe I could conquer this, on my own, if I changed my ways. No one would expect that, and hopefully they'd stay away from me, from being so confused. I liked that. I liked it a lot, actually.

After about the hundredth time of this tag business, I finally decided to pick up on the first ring and surprise her. But then _I _got a surprise that had my heart thundering up and through my throat and down my stomach.

"_Light—"_

I hung up on her immediately. That number…it was Serah's. Did I really hear her voice just now…? She never calls me Light. It didn't _sound _like Serah, either…

So I called her number back…

"_Sunshine called!" _she shouted to someone in the background. It sounded like she was in a crowded place, and people started cheering over what she said. I could just _see_ the smirk on her face. I frowned. _"So, Light, how are you—"_

"Why do you have Serah's wireless?"

"_I'm at Snow's place with the usual gang, we're havin' a get-together. You kept beating me at phone tag so I figured you'd pick up if I called from a different—"_

I took a deep breath through my nose, "Why…do you have _Serah's_ wireless?"

I literally heard her shoulders move up while she shrugged, _"We all figured you'd pick up if you thought your sister was callin' you."_

"Who the hell is _we_?"

"_I told you, the usual gang, y'know—Hope and NORA and them. We all want you to come over."_

I was suspicious right away, but I didn't want to make it seem like I was. I got up, grabbed my keys from my desk and left the house without saying anything. Snow's apartment was just a few blocks down.

Fang already knew I was on my way. I'm sure she heard the bustle of the sidewalk and the cars in the background. I had a feeling she would've known even if she couldn't hear all of that. _"Can we stay on the line til you get here? I miss talkin' to you."_

I let out a laugh through my nose, "I don't know, Fang. I don't associate myself with criminals."

Her outrage made me smile; it wasn't like she could see it anyway, _"Bloody hell, Light, that was ONE time!"_

"The one time you got caught," I corrected, smirking. Don't ask me why I was smirking. I already had men staring at me. You could say talking to her helped me keep my nerves and mind off of seeing Serah again.

"_I'll have you know there ain't nothin' wrong with what I do! So what if I fancy goin' to different clubs, havin' a few drinks and a good time? It beats wallowin' in my misery all the time, unlike _somebody _I know."_

I snorted, "Whatever you say."

"_Oh really? So does that mean you'll go somewhere with me tonight?"_

"If I feel like it, I'll ask you out myself. So the answer's no." Her blank expression was so clear in my mind. It was nice to catch her off guard. Her of all people, especially. "There's nothing you can do to influence me either way, just so you know. Save yourself the trouble."

The commotion in the background slowly went away; it sounded like she moved into a different room, to be by herself. It made me feel nice, how she wanted to give me her undivided attention right after I said that. It didn't matter if it was because she had a thing for me. The bad news was that I was almost to Snow's, which meant this would continue in person once I got there. Serah would be there…

Now that I thought about what I'd just said, I realized that maybe I shouldn't have told her any of that. I didn't want Fang to get any more involved in me than she already was. I was leading her on just now, wasn't I? I know I was saying whatever came to mind, not thinking anything of it.

I was right outside Snow's door. His apartment was in an okay part of town, and the complex was that—just okay. Plain, kind of run-down, but not really. It smelled like I was in an auto shop, standing here, but I could still hear the occasional dog barking from someone's apartment, and televisions and conversations that were way too loud.

Then she finally decided to say something, _"D'you remember the way you felt when you saw me again, after Vanille and me woke up from crystal stasis? You were so happy to see me again. You missed me so much. Every time I see you again, whether it's been a few days or a few hours, that's exactly how I feel."_

She opened the door, and behind her was an apartment that had no one inside. Only Fang was there, looking at me with so much honesty. She was making my breathing heavier; there was a weight in my chest I'd never felt before. My stomach felt like a ton of bricks, and my skin kept prickling, _everywhere_.

It was not a good feeling. Not at all. I scowled at her, but her face didn't change. We both had our devices next to our ears, still. I couldn't make my arm move down. I couldn't move at all.

"Is that wrong of me?" she went on, stepping so she was right in front of me. "If it is…then tell me. Tell me right now…" She was so close to me. It was the memories of our close friendship that kept me from pushing her away. If we didn't have that, I'd have been long gone by now. "If that's what you think, then say so. I won't bring up how I feel for you again. I'll hide it, if it'll satisfy you. If that's what you want…"

I flared up as my only defense. I knew she wasn't using our friendship against me, that wasn't it. But I had another agenda right now that had nothing to do with the way she felt about me, "Why don't you _start _by saying why you _really _have my sister's wireless? Where did everyone go? Why are _you_ the only one here?"

Then she looked shy all of a sudden. Fang? _Shy? _You've got to be kidding me.

I finally snapped my wireless shut, shoving it in my pouch while I went on, "You know what, forget it. You probably asked everyone to leave, so you could set up some kind of date for me, to change my mind. Is that it?" Then my mind started racing a million miles a second when I realized something else, "Does Serah know about this? Is she _helping _you?—"

"Are you on somethin'?" She folded her arms and bent one knee, raising an eyebrow at me. _Am I on something? _She sure was one to talk. "Why the hell d'you keep bringin' her up? She don't know about how I feel, if that's what you're askin'."

I kept staring at her, unblinking. I didn't want to answer her second question for obvious reasons. She was bold enough to roll her eyes at me and take me by the hand, leading me inside.

Snow's place was pretty much a bachelor pad. Very little furniture, junk everywhere. Mostly guns and runes and other mechanical parts. I don't know why I thought Fang would set up a date for us _here _of all places. It smelled like gunpowder in here. Something told me this wasn't exactly her idea of 'romantic'.

"Seriously Fang, where is everyone? I heard voices before."

"You're not goin' crazy, don't worry. They'll be back later. They went to the café for a bit." She was taking us through the living room with a solitary black leather couch and huge plasma screen, and upstairs. It was just Snow's room up there. "So really, it's just a get-together for us two tonight."

I wasn't impressed. "In Snow's room?"

"Sure! Why not?"

"His room is a pigsty last I checked…"

We got up the stairs and turned into his dark room. I was stunned—it was actually clean in here. I could see the carpet and his huge bed and everything. There were more video games in here than anything, and trench coats _folded _on his dresser. I was so caught off guard I didn't think anything of Fang having me sit on Snow's bed, on top of the icy blue comforter in front of the big TV. She was doing something in front of me, fiddling with who knows what. I was still busy looking around.

"Not so much of a pig's eye or whatever you called it, eh?" she said, somewhere in front of me while she turned the TV on.

I shrugged, knowing she couldn't see me, looking out the window. Why did it always have to start raining at times like these?

Soon enough she sat right next to me on the bed so our sides were touching, and handed me a controller. I looked down at it, then at her—she was looking at the screen, skipping the intro of the video game we were going to play.

"Tekken?" I asked, noticing the familiar character selection screen.

"Yep!" She was already picking the one she wanted. "I like Jin. I always play as him."

"Since when do you play video games?" I cycled through the endless amount of people and settled on Hwoarang, the red-head who's good with kicking people to death.

"Since Snow invited me over the other day and kicked my ass a thousand times over. We didn't have these back in my day."

I smiled a little while she picked a stage. "Your day…"

"That's right." I saw her grinning out of the corner of my eye. "I also happen to really like this dark temple place. We're gonna keep at this until I beat you, you hear me?"

"Loud and clear," I sneered, already attacking and dropping her health fast. Soon she was cursing, I was still sneering, and all you could hear in the room was her growling and the sounds of our button-mashing while I kept knocking her character down. She was really bad at this for someone who essentially fights for a living.

This is how things have always been between us. I would be avoiding everyone because I wanted nothing to do with Serah, and then Fang would always find some way to get me to socialize again. By some point, I'd feel better with her around, and then we'd start talking about who knows what. Usually our talks were only understood by us. Vanille usually complained about how Fang and I always seem to talk in code when other people are around.

"Haha, YES!" I snapped out of my thoughts, finally noticing she had me down to a sliver of health. She was already cheering while I started blocking.

"Hmph." The second she let her guard down, Jin was dead after a few jumping spinning back hook kicks from me. Her jaw was hanging open, making me grin. "Nice try, Fang. You're gonna have to do better than that if you're serious about beating me."

"Ohh I'll show you…" And then we were right back at it.

After tens and tens more rounds, she still hadn't managed to beat me. She was getting frustrated, reckless; she couldn't make out a pattern of my repeated victories and take advantage of it. I was literally pushing the same buttons, doing the same combos over and over again. I had a feeling she wasn't trying as hard as she could have. Maybe she only wanted an excuse to keep spending time with me, so I wouldn't leave. Why was I so important to her?

I let my character stand there and take her blows while I looked right at her. I could see the reflection of the screen in her narrowed eyes. Even the rain outside the window was reflecting off of her glowing skin, giving me the illusion that she was sweating shadows. Interesting…

It didn't take her long to notice me staring at her. Our characters weren't doing anything by this point, and again I was a punch or a kick away from losing.

"Why…?" was all I could say.

She just sighed, took my controller away. She stood and turned the TV and console off, standing with her back to me. A frustrated hand was over her face, the other over her hip. There was a sudden draft in the room, and of course the rain got heavier. I crossed my ankles and kept my hands clasped in my lap, watching her. It was amazing, how she could always keep my mind off of Serah.

Her voice was very pained, and yet so soft, "I need you…because you don't need me." She turned and looked at me. Looked at me with everything she was. It took a lot for me to keep eye contact with her. "My only fear in this entire world, is losing you. I have no control over what happens to you. Vanille, she's always with me, and I trust Hope to treat her well—I know I'll always have her. But you…I never know with you…"

As her best friend, I stood up and stared at her for a moment. I held her, not knowing what else to do. It was a little confusing, because I wanted to help her but I didn't know how. I couldn't just tell her to forget about me. I couldn't say she needed to get rid of her feelings for me. I wish I could do that with Serah, but it's not that easy.

What Serah and I had, it lasted for years. It wasn't about to go away any time soon, and I didn't want Fang to find out about it. That would be a cruel way of making her forget. I didn't want that; I didn't want to hurt her, or our friendship.

And then I saw her, standing by the doorway, just inside the room. She looked so meek, so small and helpless while she kept staring at me. Nothing like how strong Fang was, even while she was holding me so tight…talk about a direct contrast. Would she get the wrong, or right, idea about Fang and me? Had she already? How long had she been standing there for?

The look in my eyes while I stared back at Serah was of pure loathing. This was the first time in weeks that I'd seen her. I didn't want her pining after me. I didn't want her to try and turn Fang away from me, now that she'd seen us. I know Serah's put two and two together by now. I shouldn't have come here.

I pulled away from Fang, still scowling deeply at my sister while I walked away. My pace was slow at first, but soon enough I was storming out, making sure I didn't touch Serah on my way out of the room.

Of course I heard one of them after me while I jumped down the entire flight of stairs, managing to scare the hell out of Gadot and Snow when I landed. The person jumped too. It was Fang. Of _course_ she wouldn't care about everyone seeing her go after me, out of the apartment and down the street.

This was so stupid. Everything was ruined! I should've just stayed home. Now Serah had an excuse to jump to the right conclusions. She'd find some way to drive Fang away from me, or piss her off; use her to get back at me, somehow. If I didn't want her, then that meant I couldn't have anyone else.

I considered this while I jogged through the rain, along the empty sidewalk. By jogging, I meant I was barely going faster than the couple of cars on the street who were doing the speed limit. I heard Fang's sandals while she kept after me, heard her distinct breathing not too far behind me. Why was I even thinking about Serah keeping me from _having _anyone else? I didn't like Fang that way. I've never _liked _anyone. I could never bring myself to have those feelings for anyone, not while I was lusting after someone I shouldn't have.

I didn't deserve an actual love life; I was too disgusting to be worthy of one.

"Did I do somethin' to you?" she yelled after me over the rain. "Please, Lightning, just tell me if I did or not!" We were passing a few people now who all stopped and looked at us strangely as we passed them—again, not that she cared. There was something I admired about that.

I shook my head and slowed down, looking at my feet. No…she didn't do anything to me. It was just my overactive imagination getting to me. A second later her momentum caught up to me, and she steered us into an empty alleyway nearby, underneath an apartment complex that shielded us from the rain.

She stayed against the cold brick wall, looking at me right in front of her but not touching me at all. We were both soaked, had water dripping everywhere. There was a wild fearlessness in her eyes and her posture—one that I hadn't seen in a long time.

But her words confused me; contradicted everything I could see, "You scared the hell out of me, the way you up and went like that…" She surprised me when she cupped my face firmly in her oddly warm hands, looking at me seriously now, "Is there somethin' I need to know about your sister? Did _she_ do somethin' to you? What could she possibly do to _you_ of all people…? That girl wouldn't hurt no one…"

I brought my hands to her wrists, clamped them, but something wouldn't let me take her touch away. I could feel her pulse through the sinewy bones of her hands, feel the need in them. My own face started trembling, from the stuttering of her hold on me. She was serious. _She cared. _So why was I scowling?

She stepped closer to me, keeping our foreheads together while she whispered urgently along my mouth, "Do you trust me…? I need to know…if you do or not. Otherwise…I'll walk away right now. If you don't, then I'll drop everything."

The hard anticipation in her eyes made my hold on her wrists tighten, tremble. My neck did the same while I nodded to her. I felt nervous, admitting to it, right after she brought up Serah. Almost sick to my stomach, sick to my heart. But I couldn't lie to her…not Fang. Never…she was the only truth in this world I wanted to face, even if I didn't understand my own feelings about everything else. With her, so close to me, next to the pelleting rain; so secluded from the world I didn't want to face—I understood.

I bowed my head, breathing shallowly through my mouth while I let the moments pass. She'd been hesitating just now. Hesitating…hesitating, to kiss me.

Slowly I managed to pry her hands from my face, but then she kept them pressed against my neck. She burned a trail of her nerves down my skin and clothes while I dragged them further, down my shoulders; even right down and over my heaving chest and torso, until she let go of me.

I let go of her wrists, took a step back. Her head lowered more. I could tell she wanted me closer again. The silence of her body screamed it over the rain, over the world. I didn't deserve her. I didn't deserve anyone who could feel so much for me, who could convey _that_ much to me without a word. Even if I didn't have Serah looming over my head and my emotions…I don't think I'd have been able to accept so much from Fang like this. Right now, it was beyond me.

"Goodbye, Fang…" I mumbled to her, already leaving. "I'll…see you around, sometime. I promise."


	4. And, Suddenly

I was dreaming. I know I was. That didn't make me wake up, like it normally did before.

Whenever I realize I'm asleep, I'll wake up right away because the illusion is gone. But now, it was like my mind wanted me to be trapped in this nightmare. My eyes were wide shut, painfully; they wouldn't open no matter how hard I tried.

_I was at home, alone. It was empty._

_I couldn't see anything from where I stood, it was so dark._

_I'd boarded my front door and all my windows with two-by-fours. _

_I couldn't tell if I was in a house or an empty field of darkness, but I was there._

_It was so familiar to me that it had to be home. I had no place else to go but down._

_And they were both out there, somewhere, trying to break my door down. Fang was ramming my sister against it. Serah was trying to smash Fang's head in by the sound of it. They wouldn't bruise or bleed or be hurt at all, not until I cried—I knew it, felt it. The noise, the noise…the struggling, over me—ME. It made me want to cry, not so they'd stop from the pain; but because I didn't know what the fuck to do about these crazy bitches. And they kept calling my name…_

White Flash, Call Upon my Name.

Claire.

Light.

Lightning.

_My gunblade was in my hand. It would be so simple, to end it all. It's really gotten to this point. I couldn't focus at work because I'm worried Fang will find out and go on to kill my sister. I couldn't sleep because I know my wireless keeps ringing even though I've turned it off. And when I did sleep, if I didn't dream of Serah, I dreamt of Fang. Sometimes __**both**__…_

_Fang…that beautiful, wicked, twisted woman. My beautiful, passionate best friend. In my dreams she was capable of sensing but a drop of lust in me for her, and turning it into an ocean, making me drown in it with her. So many times I've dreamt of having her, without remembering how I came to want her. _

_And then she was right in front of me. Unscathed. Alone. Only Fang. My sister had obliterated somehow. _

_And then with one look, she made me have her. Her dark determination to be with me no matter what the cost…that's what made me want her. That's what made me tear at her while she screamed in delight. That's what made me love her through her moans until we both saw the light._

That's what made my eyes shoot open, in a cold sweat; drenched down to my mattress while my lungs clawed at the stench in the air as my life depended on it.

And my hand was so soaked, of me.

Of Fang.

_Snow stood in his room and grinned, deciding to go visit his good friends at Lebreau's bar for a bit. Serah was off doing errands, so he had thought, why not? After running a hand through his mop of blond hair, he placed the beanie on his head before heading out. _

_Team NORA had been his friends for years now. They all knew of his tendencies, he gets bored and decides to pay them all a visit. Snow did admit to himself, Team NORA hadn't been doing as much work as they had been before. Which gave him more time to spend with Serah. _

_That in itself wasn't a bad thing at all, he loved that girl to pieces, not to say that he'd never fallen for anyone else. Nah, that was too cliché, even for a hero like him. He had fallen for other people in his past, he just always had a bad case of wandering—holy crap there was a good looking gal in the bar today. Despite the good looking crowd, he went straight to his destination, Lebreau at the front of the bar._

_"Hey hero~"_

_"Hey yourself," Snow winked, "so how're ya doin' today?"_

_"Just fine, its gotten pretty busy lately. Heh, looks like all our fellow Cocoon people are showing their real faces now, with the fal'Cie gone and everything."_

_Lebreau gestured at the bar in general, the drunken idiocy of many of Cocoon's former citizens was now showing. It was as if everything was a free-for-all to them without the Sanctum's rule on them all. Lebreau was like a sister to him, the banter the two went back and forth with showed that kind of Family like bond he had with all of Team NORA. _

_However the bartender's talk had ended abruptly as she had sauntered over to a couple of men who looked like they were about to go at it. With a highly unimpressed look, she deftly took hold of the back of the heads of each man and promptly bashed their heads together._

_"Consider that your first warning, girls." She rolled her eyes._

_Snow could only laugh. He'd learned first hand Lebreau was not someone to fuck with. Come to think of it, that seemed to be the way things were with all of the women in his life…_

_He sighed—even Serah…_

It was so _sudden_. All of it was…

After I left Fang alone that night, I didn't see her again for a few days. After checking her house and only finding Vanille and Hope there, I learned that she was the café, so I went to go see her. She'd been alone at the bar, and I sat next to her.

There'd been this terrible silence between us, and the next thing I knew, I was apologizing. For her falling for someone like me? For me being so lost as to how I felt about my own sister? I didn't know and I hadn't speculated about it out loud.

What I do know is, when she turned and looked at me, that's when all of this started—the dreams, the crazy thoughts, the mapping of my disgusting lust for Serah onto her. She hadn't held back anything in her gaze. Our surroundings melted away in a heat right between my legs when it looked like she _wanted _the mapping. I kept getting this feeling that she _knew, _but I was too ashamed to ask her. Then again, my imagination had a habit of antagonizing me.

The look in Fang's eyes—I knew I hadn't been imagining it. So much devotion. So much anger. Devoted, angry love was so apparent there. I could see it so clearly, that she wanted me to take her away from all of her pain. I was the only one alive other than Vanille who knew about her past. But Fang said it herself—her pain fueled her passion. I didn't want to take that away from her. More like, I didn't want to admit to anything, mostly so she would give up and let things go back to the way they were. My feelings were unimportant. I wasn't worthy.

So I'd stayed quiet, kissed her hand goodbye, and left once I saw Serah approaching. I kissed Fang's hand because, evidently, Serah was too powerless to do anything. I could drive her away if I gave her the impression there was someone else. But that had been such a hasty decision. I was thinking on my feet—something I tended to be good at. With this, not so much. A small, growing obsession had made my lips taste what little of Fang's skin I could have without having her think I reciprocated her feelings. Even though I did. _Goddamnit_ I did—_now_ I did—but I wasn't about to go tell her that. No. My mind was made up.

All of that happened last week on my night off. It was once again my night off this week. All day in between naps, I'd been wondering what the hell would happen tonight. Apparently my nights off were the in thing for Fang and Serah.

And now I was getting off the elevator from Taejin's Tower, jumping down to the road of crystal dust on the empty mountainous outskirts of Oerba. I'd been up there doing gauntlets for a few hours from being so restless, almost _waiting _for something to happen.

On instinct, I readied my gunblade when I heard someone approaching around the bend in front of me—their footsteps sounded so careful, like they were trying to sneak up on me.

I hurried forward to get a pre-emptive on them, but I stopped abruptly when I noticed Vanille and Hope there, looking up at me like I was some sort of scary monster that wandered here from the Tower. They were holding hands, steadily calming themselves when they noticed it was only me. Something told me they were up to something.

I sighed, slipping my Blazefire back into my holster, "You might as well fess up now and get it over with. You guys look way too suspicious to be out here so late at night."

Vanille knew I had no patience for bullshit and spoke up right away, "We were only on our way to the Archylte Steppe, that's all…we promise! Isn't that right, Hope?"

"Yeah…that's where we're headed. Promise!" Hope would never lie to me. Then again, anything was possible these days if my _dreams_ were any indication… "We were just gonna take the shortcut nearby. There's lots to do there during the weekend, so…"

It wasn't any of my business exactly what they wanted to do there. I'd heard the Steppe was the place to be at night these days. Like I cared…but Hope was a little young for most of what went on there.

"Where's Fang?" I blurted. "Why isn't she with you? It could be dangerous out there!"

Then Vanille started giggling? "Silly, she's coming up right behind you! Turn around, fast!"

Our 'conversation' had distracted me from the strong sounds of running behind me; I turned as fast as I could. Hope and Vanille ran away giggling in some direction. Fang tackled me so fast and hard she sent us both to the ground, knocking the goddamned wind out of me.

Specks of crystal dust flitted around us, glittering in the moonlight while she furiously kept trying to pin my wrists. I was resisting, looking at her incredulously.

I kept slipping my wrists from her grasp, struggling to topple her and gain control. I needed to ask her what the hell this was all about. Everything sounded so loud, so rough. We were both breathing hard; I was scowling, she was snarling. The surprise and the physicality was exhilarating no matter how much I tried to block it out. Her rage and the occasional cursing from her mouth was the same—she was so pissed off. As if I didn't already know why—

"FANG!" Her name came flying out of my mouth when she straddled my thigh…and _accidentally_ had me feel how soaked her shorts were underneath her sari.

That was enough for me to hook my leg with hers and force my body on top of her, but it wasn't so easy to pin her down. She ended up turning that around on me and wrapped her legs around my waist. The foreign wetness against my navel was what did it for me.

"What's the matter with you?!" I shouted at her. She was seriously trying to push me away by my shoulder, pull me closer by the roots of my hair, and keep me trapped on top of her with her thighs clamped around my hips. "Fang!"

She only answered me with a moan of frustration, and stopped her struggling against me. I kept my force and finally pinned one of her wrists over her head while we both caught our breath. My other hand went beneath her head to make her look me in the eye. And that's when her hold around my back and head changed to one of affection. I relaxed and held her the same way, keeping my head over her shoulder.

Her legs were still wrapped around me, in ways that said she had no intention of letting me go anywhere any time soon. I had to block everything out, block everything out. I tried to start conversation, to ignore her throbbing against me, to ignore my own.

My voice was probably too soft. I don't know, "How have you been?" And what a stupid thing to ask. I was glad I couldn't see her face—she wouldn't answer me verbally. Her breathing picked up for a second. "It's nice to see you again too. I see you missed me." Still nothing. So I went on, "Mind explaining what that was about just now?"

She only whispered this in my ear, "Pick me up. Right now."

I grunted a little as I did what she said, standing with her easily enough. Her legs were still wrapped around me, holding one of my hands and keeping her other around my neck. I looked at her calmly, waiting for her next order. I could keep my mind off of things if I let her tell me what to do. To be honest I was trying so hard to keep my mind off of _everything_ that I failed to realize the loopholes in my plan.

"Jump down there, between the mountains. Walk along the path and talk to me. Don't let me go…"

I walked the short distance to the small cliff, and jumped down to the endless course of moonlit dust there. "Why do you need me to carry you? Can't you walk?"

"I can't walk, no."

She was lucky I couldn't see her face right now, "That's rich, considering how you ran and tackled me just a few minutes ago."

I heard her sigh a little, "You don't get it, do you?"

"I guess not. So why don't you explain it to me? You make it sound like it should be obvious."

After that she wouldn't say anything. I kept going, not thinking anything of the physical contact anymore. It felt natural. Nice. We were hugging each other; it only so happened that I was walking while this was happening. No big deal.

It was only then that I remembered she wanted me to talk _to _her, not with her. I didn't exactly have anything worth saying. Nothing that I should've been saying, anyway. I sighed and decided to go with the flow. Wouldn't hurt.


	5. Slutgarden

__This.

Yes, this…

This…this _woman, _that I want and need to possess me. She is a _this_. Not a that, not a them, not a those. But this.

THIS?

I can't call her a bitch, a tease, a coward, a coquettish airhead, a motherfucker 'cause she ain't no Fangfucker—none of those! I would never insult her in such a way. So I'll call her the most non-derogatory name possible and say it in my mind with enough spite that it HAS to be a goddamn insult. Glad that's settled!

But I still don't feel any better. Poor ol' me, I know. I'm so miserable, I should go snuff myself, rid this hellish world of my suffering. So do me a favor and cry, pray for me, will you? I'm gonna need as much as I can get now, letting her hold me, listening to her talk to me.

Right. She was talking—how rude of me to not relay her words. As she was saying, "I'm not exactly the brightest person in the world when it comes to emotions. For the longest, I've always turned to fighting to get things off of my mind. With this…I know that won't work."

_This._

"I'm unsafe, I'm not normal." I didn't want safe; I didn't want normal… Then I sure did hear something like, "If I let myself break free, I might break you. But if I don't let anything happen, I might still break you at the same. I don't know anymore…I'm tired of making mistakes."

I kept hearing things after that, like that. We'd made it to the shortcut to the Archylte Steppe a while ago—a little carving into a new area of the Mah'habara caves. You could hear the fal'Cie singing down here, not like in the city. They were singing…singing me to sleep, almost, while Light kept holding me, kept talking to me… Nothing left to fear…with her here, I had none. Yes, I did feel cradled in eternity; surrendering in the light, here in her arms, thank you…

And I felt so fucking _weak_, misinterpreting her words to what they _should've _been…

_I can't be with you, Fang. I have too many troubles. I don't want to be a burden to you. I can't do anything right. I'm not everything I seem to be. People can be stupid, they can make mistakes…and I'm no exception. You deserve someone who's perfect, for you. That's what you should have. _

Why was I hearing all of this? Why could I stop her? Why couldn't I tell her to shut the hell up, to stop telling me what I deserve, what I _should _have…? I couldn't do anything, not right now. Not while she had me like this—the only way I could ever have her have me.

She had no idea. She had no clue, that she could pin me against this cold rock wall in this damp underground, keep her mouth and teeth and tongue over any part of me she wanted, and I would be powerless to resist her. She could mark me all over, touch me all over…tell me to do anything, and I'd do it. I wanted her to feel how much I needed her…how goddamn _good _she made me feel whenever she was around.

_You're so good to me. I value your friendship, more than anything…more than my own life, more than anything I know right now. So much has happened to me, made me re-evaluate where I stand…I couldn't stand if something happened between us, it didn't work out, and you couldn't stand to look at me anymore…_

I wanted her to feel how much I needed her…

_I needed her._

_Fuck I need her._

Need is such a greedy, stingy thing…exactly as I am. I wanted to tell her yes, yes, _yes _over and over again…I wanted her to make me speechless. To have me, be with me, bring out in me sides I've never known, just for her…

The sad thing is, I was already speechless. She had me, as a friend. She was with me…she was walking with me.

She always brought out sides in me I'd never known before her, just for her. This weakness. I didn't know where it came from, but that was the biggest thing she made me feel so easily. Weakness turned to want because I couldn't stand the emotional distance, the _psychological _distance between us from not _being _together.

Even if she'd only say she loved me, once, then tried to deny it after that…it would be enough. Enough…for a short time. I'd be sated for a moment, but I know that would make me want more. Without her…I was so damn pathetic. I accept that I'm pathetic…but I didn't want to be alone anymore. She was the only one that could fill this bloody void in me.

"Don't _leave_ _me_ in all this _pain_, Light…"

She stopped talking after that. I gripped her hair and her cape a moment, dug my nails into my palms so hard they almost bled; said nothing more.

_He sat up in his bed and rubbed his temples, God he had a headache. Hell, he couldn't remember the last few hours of his life. He remembered saying… something, something bad to Light…? Or was it Serah? He couldn't remember a thing. Maybe he got slugged by Light and it hit so hard she actually knocked him out, or did he go to the local bar after his latest NORA mission and celebrate a little to much. Dear God he couldn't remember, why? Why now? He flung his blankets off and stood up, stifling a yawn he noticed he fell asleep in his jacket.__Serah with him._

_That was a good indicator of where he could have possibly been. Either he was out at the bar with Team NORA, or he had been walking somewhere. He slid the heavy trench coat off of his form and rolled his shoulders slightly before wandering down stairs to see if there was any indication of what may have gone on that night prior. He didn't feel like he had a hangover, so he couldn't have drank and got himself so drunk he ended up not being able to remember anything.._

_He must have gotten slugged, and hard by someone. He knew Light could punch, and punch hard. But Fang probably could too.. But if he insulted Fang, he would have been much more than knocked out cold for a few hours. _

_He must have done something to piss off Light. Walking down the hallway, he came across something of a catalyst for his memory:_

_"Its because of you!" he'd cried in frustration at the soldier. Lightning looked like she had no clue what he was talking about. But he knew better, she was trained to keep secrets without trouble, to be able to hold them in no matter the beating they took. So was the life of a soldier. "You! You're the reason she won't marry me!"_

_Someone must have gotten rather fed up with his pissing and moaning about his failed marriage and knocked him out cold. He rubbed the side of his head to feel an extremely sore spot there. He groaned, who the hell could have punched him that hard… _

_Man the good person up stairs must have been having fun putting illusions of people into his mind. He couldn't have said those things to his family… it was all a cruel illusion._

We made it to the Steppe. I had stopped letting her hold me once we got there, and instead she had the nerve to hold my damn hand. Of course I held hers as tight as I could manage without hurting her. She wouldn't do the same for me, just led us in some direction to one of the outdoor scenes there.

There ain't no monsters here, not no more. Instead, everywhere you look, there's attraction after attraction. Outdoor movie theaters, outdoor bars, outdoor shops. Every kind of place you could think of, if it worked outside, it was here. It was loud as hell, too, unless you went to the Northern Expanse; felt like that's where she was leading me. No surprise there…but that's also where the more interesting places were.

I didn't come here too much. Oerba had enough for my attention, but I'd been getting bored of it recently. Mostly since I still had a hard time accepting what my village had turned into. Other than Vanille, it was like I had nothing that was the same anymore. Even then, I don't see her as much these days. I'm always out, hunting, venting my anger. Or I'm with Lightning, breaking my damn neck to try and get her to _notice _me. So far, no good. Still…I don't give up. I can't. I _won't._

Change…is something I thought I could handle. Until now. The change in the friendship between Light and me…I felt like shit for starting it. At the same time, I was so damn determined. Determined… To be with her, entirely. To have her be my one completion, just like I always knew she could be. Now I keep obsessing over her, because she didn't want me. She doesn't…but why does that make me need her even more?

Just the other week I was so excited about something like this happening. What a cocky conclusion _that _was, even for me… Now look at me—I'm a raving lunatic in my head. I didn't know anything anymore.

Do you know what that's like? Oh yeah? Right now, you say? But I thought you didn't know anything anymore, like me? That makes perfect sense. We should get together and talk sometime, sort out our problems together. That'd be real nice…beats feeling alone in my heart, even though Lightning's right here.

"Have you been here before?"

And I seriously let out a moan when she whispered that in my ear. I shook my head—_here _was one of the places I never checked out before. They called it Slutgarden, even though it was more of an upscale strip joint. Outside, of course, but there were more _private_ rooms. You know. But what the hell was she getting at, bringing me here?

I guess she was as messed up as I was in the head. She led me in the perimeter of the place, had us sit at the bar as far away from all the men in there as possible. There were women dancing on poles _on _the bar. Sensually and tastefully, mind you. None of that risqué shit you see in the movies these days.

Lightning ordered some white wine for us, didn't let me pay for nothing. This was the first time we've been out drinking, anywhere. I always thought she was too polite for all that. So I got out a smoke, lit it while I watched her watching one of the women right in front of her. She had her eyes looking up, directly at the lady in her see-through silk. I'll admit, she was gorgeous.

Light was gorgeous. She was out with me, doing something she probably ain't never done before; hell, she even accepted a smoke from me and started working on it. She was so patient with me…not once had she told me to stuff it with my feelings already and move on. It was her silence that gave me hope.

It was her sexy silence, watching her smoke and sip her wine. That silence was the same that shattered me. Never mind the low music that was playing, or the moonlight playing all over the place; the men checking us out. I wasn't exactly checking Lightning out, no…

I was just staring at her. Staring, because that was all I could do, all I'd let myself do. I wasn't gonna force myself on her. I wasn't about to proclaim my undying love for her, like some fool, even though I was one—I couldn't deny that…

She looked so chill, so cool. Like this was the thing to do, like she'd been doing this all her life—smoking and having a glass of wine. Her legs were crossed, her back was straight, and she knew how to hold that glass between her two fingers and that smoke between the two in her other hand. Me, I was hunched over, with my elbows on the table, looking right at her. She was looking around, steadily, taking her time. Taking her time…

She was taking her time in fucking destroying me, every time she blinked, every time she breathed out that glittering smoke into the moonlight. So composed…so…everything I could never be.

Then she spoke, looking angry at something across the room, "What the _hell _are those two…so _that's _what they were up to!" She set her empty glass down, stood up with her smoke and instructed me to, "Wait here. Or if you do go anywhere, keep your wireless on you. I'll be back."

I sighed, looking over at where the hell she was going—apparently Hope and Vanille thought it'd be a good idea to come here. For all I knew, Light was gonna see them straight home before she came back to me. Damn kids…interfering with my best friend time. I was already having withdrawals.

One of the ladies noticed me alone and stepped off the bar, gestured for me to follow her. I wasn't even looking at her properly—I took my half-empty glass and my smoke and went. Why, I don't know; don't bother asking. I was barely paying attention to her, more following her out of the corner of my eye while I watched Light lead Hope and Vanille away from the place. She and I made eye contact and she nodded to them, waving goodbye. Just my luck, eh?

So the lady and I got to one of the private rooms. It was kinda dark, had a half-circle booth around a circular table with a pole. I went and sat down, none too interested in sex or anything. I didn't know if the women here went that way, but it didn't matter. I'd watch her dance for me, maybe learn some pointers on how to seduce Lightning with my body one of these nights, if I was desperate enough.

"It's nice to see you again."

As soon as I set my wine on the table and was about to keep smoking, the _lady _got on the table on all fours and stayed right in my face, looked me in the eye with a straight face. That _face_…that hair!

"What…what are _you _doin' here? You work here? Aren't you supposed to be at home with Snow!"

She shrugged and sat down on the table with her legs to one side, "He thinks I'm out running errands. I'm always 'out running errands' while I work here part-time."

THIS was the chick in the white see-through silk that was paying so much attention to Light! It was the blonde wig over her hair that threw me off! She had the gall to take my smoke from me and start finishing it off, "You looked like you needed some company, since my sister decided to leave. Isn't she just the most _responsible_ person you know? Always looking out for the weaker ones, taking _such_ good care of them…"

My jaw was open and my eyes narrowed while I watched her stare back at me so damn seriously. "Serah…"

She shook her head, started standing up, ass first, "My name is Angela." This girl was _no_ angel, working _here _of all damn places…how old was she again? Nineteen? "No touching, either. I don't let women touch me, even if you are…_you." _If I wasn't in love with her sister, I'd call her sexy, the way she moved on that pole, the way she looked at me. "You're too close to her. I might be tempted to do something…"

"Like what?" I asked, real skeptical of her all of a sudden.

Serah was like a cat, how she moved down on all fours in front of me again, how she held my hand and had me hold the silk by her cleavage. Then she parted her lips, gave me a dark look, "Take it off of me…won't you? I won't bite. I just want someone to listen to me, listen to my story. This isn't something I can keep facing later—I'm tired of keeping it all to myself with no one to talk to."

I started undressing her, kept eye contact with her. She had a white two piece on underneath, that wasn't an issue. I knew that look in her eyes—she was in pain, so needing, but she showed her bravado and strength instead. It was the same I was giving her while I smoothed the silk off of her body, let it go to the side. I took my wine glass in my hand, crossed my legs and watched her stand in her heels and circle the pole, kept eye contact with her.

This was the most wrong thing I'd ever done in my life so far. And I kept watching. You know why? Because I'm a sick fuck and I ain't one to deny it, that's why. So take whatever judgments you got about me and shove 'em up _right_ your ass, 'cause I don't want 'em! I've got enough on my plate as it is.

"I want to wake up in her white, white sun," she started, smoothing her body up the pole, "and I want to wake up in her world with no pain. I've been suffering for years, knowing I'll die with this…and she's so numb to everything. Why do things have to turn out this way? Can you tell me?" Her angrier words surprised me, made me smirk against my glass, "Am I resigned to this wicked fucking world? _Really_?"

"Sure," I offered, shrugging, "we both are. It's on its way to hell, like us, for having these damn desires. When you hate, you know you're alive—that's the only good thing about it. When you're in pain, it's a good thing."

Serah gave me a little smile and rolled her eyes, "Right, because whatever doesn't kill you, leaves a scar. The scars are all here," she pointed to her back, "and I can't sleep on it. There's a knife for ever day I've known her, for every time she's looked at me and wanted it all over again. She can't be with anyone—she thinks anyone would only water her down. She's scared of change, of making mistakes. She wants perfection. _When I called Serah 'sweet', I meant 'dirty'. _Has she ever told that to you before?"

"Nah, not that I can recall." The wine was finally starting to kick in, right when she sat down on the side of the table farthest from me with her long legs spread so nicely. Light's legs were pretty damn long, too…more muscle though. I preferred the muscle, obviously. "But it sounds like I ain't the only one with a chain link fence smile these days."

She shrugged, caressed her thighs, "Maybe." Then she started using her finger to trace her panty line, letting me see how wet she was. "I'm so hopeless, disposable to her. She thinks I'm so empty inside, that I don't matter at all. Let me tell you something—" she shut her legs, started crawling towards me so slowly, sensually, "_she's _the one who started it all. _She's _the one who came in my room almost every night for five years. _She _took me, fucked me up and left me there, scared of myself. Scared of the way she could make me feel. I was never allowed to touch her, to have her."

My head was getting kinda fuzzy… "I feel you…I can imagine her doing that."

"It excites you, thinking of her doing that to you…" Her lips were right next to mine; she was about done with my smoke, handed it back to me, "Doesn't it?"

I scowled deeply at her, eased the stick from her weak fingers; spoke so quietly but enunciated so powerfully to her, "Like you wouldn't fucking believe."

"So why are you here?" Serah slowly pushed me back by my shoulders, kept her knees on the table. My eyes were getting damn heavy… "Why aren't you chasing after her? You don't seem like the type to sit back and let life pass you by."

"You don't look like the type to be a whore either," I spat, taking a long hit to keep calm. She had no right to assume shit about me.

She scoffed at me, "Please. I'm a million different things, and not a one you know. You weren't continuously raped, growing up, and liked it. Liked the intensity, the wrongness, the incest of it all. I loved it because it made me feel needed. Like I was helping her cope."

"And you did. And yesterday, I wanted to burn the world if your sister wouldn't have me." One last sip of my wine while she started to straddle me. "Now today, I'm just too fucking bored without her. I need that spice in my life."

Serah grinned at me, started arching her back and into me, "You need her, just as much as I do." I let my drag fall into my glass, let her take it away from me and throw it aside while I nodded thickly, "So then we have a problem."

"It would seem so," I agreed sagely, letting her rub her hands down my arms.

"Tell me, Fang…" She breathed me in deeply along my neck; I watched her sharply through the sharper corners of my eyes, "Have you ever thought of death? How it would affect the ones you love, if it happened to you?"

"Every day," I told her truthfully.

"And what comes to mind when you think about Claire? When you wonder how she'd react?" I couldn't tell her that—that was getting into personal territory right there. Sometimes I pictured her falling for me after I'd fallen, being in agony, getting off to her pain… "Would you do something to yourself, to show her you loved her? Or if you loved yourself enough, would you do something to her, to make the pain go away? It's gotten so bad…I really need to know…"

Then she held me…and I felt like crying, because I knew _exactly_ how she felt. I held her back, let her cry on my shoulder. You know it said a lot if I found out all of this and didn't _care _about none of it. It didn't change the way I felt about Lightning.

The feelings grew stronger that night while I held her sister, thinking the world of my love. Obsessed. Fool. Tattoo it on my forehead and I wouldn't dare complain.

She had a darker side. I wanted it. She had a more forceful nature…_fuck, _I wanted it… I was so turned on, holding the evidence of her nature. If Light broke me in the process, I think I'd be fine. I'd love it so much, so much. I was _that_ into her.

And then when Serah and I split and Lightning came back, I asked to borrow her gunblade for a while. She let me have it, so I'd have something of her—she had plenty others.


	6. Count to Six and Die

"I've lost her…my best friend: gone. What the hell did I do…? Was it somethin' I said to make her leave me so damn cold like this…?"

I was here, with her, talking to her. Vanille, I mean. We were at home in our living room. She was sitting, I was lying down with my head on her lap, with my eyes closed. Hope was at school. I was gripping my wireless, partly waiting on him to call and let us know if he'd be out with friends tonight. Another part of me was waiting on her to call me. And another part was wishing it was her stroking my hair and face right now.

When was the last time I saw her? I can't even remember. After she gave me her gunblade she up and vanished for weeks and weeks. The blade was here, in my lap and over my chest—I always keep it with me…even though it seemed like she gave it to me so I'd end it all, stay out of her life with the way she's been avoiding me, not answering my calls. I checked at the Guardian Corps headquarters and found out she's been living there, still going to work and all, but I can never catch her when she's leaving or coming back.

Snow and Serah are still getting married—the lug's got no clue about nothing, nor can I bring myself to tell him. The wedding is next weekend. As far as I know, Light's still invited. If she ain't there to walk her sister down the aisle, I said I'd do it. You could say we've been leaning on each other through all this mess…even if she's broken and confused like I am, she's still such a sweetheart to me.

Vanille's voice kind of hums through her lap against the back of my head, "What…would make you happy right now? I know I can't make her come back home…but I still want to help, somehow."

"I've gone mad, wishin' I could only touch her _face, _Vanille… I just want to see her, get all this off my chest. If she wants to be alone, fine…that's perfectly fine…but maybe time wouldn't pass so slow if she _knew_ everything…"

I've tried my best, to be strong about all this. Tried my best to not let this ache get to me, to not cry, to not do nothing stupid to myself. It would kill Vanille if I acted on any of the thoughts that won't let me be.

"Let's go find her," she says gently. It makes me feel weak—her voice, her words, her prospect. Etro knows I wouldn't want to have things any other way with how things are going right now. "Maybe she wants you to go after her…it can't hurt to find out." She struggled to lift me up with her, "So…let's…go! Right now! I'll be with you, every step of the way!"

Oh, Vanille…I love that girl so much.

So this time when I got to headquarters, I found out she was sleeping in the barracks at two in the afternoon. My polite self decided to ask nicely at the front desk if I could go and see her. I know I should've done this the first time, but I'd gotten cold feet. Vanille's pep talk in the car on the way here did wonders for my mood. I guess the gunblade in my hand definitely helped too.

"What the _hell _d'you mean, family members only! I _am_ her goddamn family!"

The scared little cropped blonde bitch at her chair pushed her glasses up her nose; when I slammed my hand on the desk I shook her up real good. Then she started looking through her computer for something, "Um…r-right, what's your—your relation?"

Vanille next to me had better keep quiet if she knows what's worth, "I'm her wife, that's my _relation _to her! She pissed me off and thinks she can hide away in here and I'm about sick of it! Now lemme see her!"

"Her wife?" She got all jittery and started typing furiously, but I smashed my fist down on the fangled thing. "Ma'am! P-Please, this is sensitive equipment—"

"Yeah, it's about as _sensitive _as _you_ are for someone who's in the motherfucking military!" People were staring like mad but I didn't give a damn. Vanille wasn't bothering me none about keeping my voice down, either. "Now you listen here: you let me see her or I'll _tear_ off that rag on your head you call hair! I ain't playin' around, neither!"

Then some tall buff bloke comes up to me, looking all nonchalant, and he's like, "Is there a problem here?"

"There's problems after problems in this goddamn city if I ever saw one! You Cocoon cowards come down here and mess up _my _world with all your technology and shit—I accepted that. There's still monsters attackin' my home from Taejin's Tower even with all your _best_ _efforts_—fine, whatever! But I ain't gonna stand for you bastards not lettin' me see Lightning, you hear me!"

"Lightning?" He and everyone else staring at me started looking all panicked. "Sergeant _Farron_? _You're_ her _wife_?"

No shame whatsoever while I shook her gunblade in his face, "That's right! I am!"

"Oh, oh! Hell, you _must_ be if you have _that! _Please, this way! I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding! You're welcome back here any time you like, just walk straight on through!"

I nodded to Vanille before leaving, and she gave me a wink before she skipped back outside to the car. I already told her she could head back home and go spend time with Hope and the rest of their friends later. I had a feeling I'd be here for a long while.

I was really, _really _doing this. I was on the top bunk with her in this dark room, I was underneath the covers with her, holding her and listening to her sleep. She was a heavy sleeper—I should've thought of this ages ago… We were the only ones in here, too. This bunk was kinda comfortable.

Only thing is, she was saying something over and over in her sleep. Wasn't helping me much, that's for sure…

_Serah._

I moved so I had my mouth next to her ear, so I could hold her head close to mine. I started whispering to her, like I was Serah, and she responded to me. I guess she thought she was dreaming…

"Claire? What's wrong? Where've you been?"

"…work…busy…mmm…couldn't deal…"

"Deal with what…?"

"…just…want things…to go back…how they were…you, me…Fang…"

Hearing her say that…it broke my heart, but I kept talking, "What about Fang…?"

"…wish she'd…mm—stop—feeling…about me…I don't deserve…her. But…I…miss her…so…_so _much…"

I knew it…and so did Serah. Lightning thought this thing with her sister made her so disgusting, so vile…but it made her human, it made me see how much I love her even through her faults.

What killed me is how she wouldn't wake for hours, no matter how much I shook while I held her, trying to not let my emotions get the best of me. But I'd been holding everything in for so long…I was starting to get tired of it.

I'd gotten so sensitive. I wasn't myself no more—I was someone who could get so broken up over a few simple words from Lightning's mouth. I was the one who went around making loud threats, saying I was her wife and wishing with all my heart it was true. I could hold her tight and bury my face in her neck all I liked, but she was never going to feel the same about me. She wished I didn't feel this way at all…

I don't think I could fulfill that wish of hers. If I tried to, I knew everything would only backfire on me. Serah's been trying to do the same, but it ain't working. Every time we get together at the café or at Snow's place, we always wander away from the others and talk about Lightning. I know Serah wouldn't two time me about this—she's been trying for ages to move on; she knows how stubborn Light is. I was warned that I'd fall into the same spiral she's in if I didn't try and run away while I still could.

Looks like it's too late. I knew it was unhealthy, how strong I felt for her, how strong I felt _feeling _so much for her. The strength was strong enough to slowly drive me mad. I felt it, _all the time. _I wanted to give in…but only if she made me. Only if she made me…

I fell asleep so easily with her. It was a nice nap, it really was. Lasted a good couple of hours…

The only problem was she woke up before me, and my presence no doubt scared the shit out of her. Her jerk made me wake up and automatically grip her in my fear that she'd get up and run away from me again. She calmed down soon enough, maybe she didn't realize it was me until now.

Her sleepy whisper made me move into her more, "Fang…"

"Hey sweet pea…"

I think she wanted to ask what I was doing, how I got back there; what the fuck my problem was. Despite how cruel she could be when we were apart, she was always so nice to me when we were together—she held me, started stroking my face and hair like I wished she could earlier.

"You're insane…"

I agreed with her completely, "For you, I am—I won't deny it."

Lightning let go of me, jumped down from the bunk. I grabbed Blazefire next to me and followed her, of course. We got back out to the front office, and the people who were there earlier were pretty jumpy but didn't say nothing to us.

I was so blind to everything until we got to her dark chrome car in the parking lot. It was night time. She let herself in the driver's side seat, stayed there with the door open while she scowled at me. Oblivious me was smiling at her, not a care in the world until she said something:

"You have a problem. If I haven't said a word to you after all this time, what makes you think I want to see you?"

I immediately barked out, "So why the hell did you hold me just now? Why didn't you tell me off?"

She rolled her eyes, "Don't flatter yourself, Fang—I was half-asleep."

"Bullshit! You were scared but you calmed down once you saw it was only me!"

"Okay, so what the hell are you getting at, stalking me? How did you get back there?"

Damnit. "I told 'em I was your wife…they bought it."

"You wish," she spat at me. I was at a loss for words; searing nerves and anger built up from my waist up when she said one last thing before slamming her door shut, "Stay away from me. This is the last time I'll say it. You're obsessed, I _get_ it—now do yourself a favor get over me already!"

She drove off, left me standing there, staring straight ahead at the spot where her face had been. Any sounds that came in my ears all melded into one monotone sound of disbelief. One minute I was saying I'd love for her to break me, and the next—_now_—I'm pissed at her nerve! I _heard _her in her sleep: she fucking misses me! She thinks she don't deserve me, so now she was trying to distance herself from me.

This was war.

So I ran home that night, shut myself in my room, and tried to think of what I could do to get her back.

I couldn't come up with anything. I had nothing over her.

I had nothing but her.

Nothing.

_His dreams were fitful that night. He sat there caged and chained forced to watch the woman he loved be taken from him by a person cloaked in black. Either it was a woman, or a very effeminate man. Or maybe both. He didn't know and didn't care. He was chained to his spot as Serah was taken from him. This cloaked figure guided her away, Serah was blindfolded she didn't know who this person was who was taking her, and as he sat there and tried to tell her to get away his voice had disappeared._

_The man….woman….thing…? Gently guided his Serah away from him, being so quick and precise about his movements, and giving her the bare minimum to be taken from him. It was as if she was willingly following this cloaked figure. He struggled against his bindings, the chains rattling loudly in his ears. He struggled, pulled, rolled, twisted and tried to contort his behemoth body in whatever way he could and yet, he couldn't get out._

_And then pain. It felt like someone had just sent a hot knife right through his abdomen. He crumpled in a heap, and closed his eyes, hunching over, silently moaning in pain as he felt this burning take over his entire being. It was then he felt the chains snap, and as those chains snapped, he felt something within himself snap as well…_

_Snow woke up then in a cold sweat._

What the hell was I doing here?

Snow's apartment, late at night, with him and Serah. Snow was in the lit kitchen, drinking, slurring loudly on his wireless with Gadot about who knows what. Serah was with me on the living room couch in the dark. Blazefire was on my lap. We were staring at it.

After ages of silence, she finally said, "I'm sure she didn't mean it…"

"You're real sweet."

"Fang…with her, this is normal. She'll find you when she wants you, otherwise, she wants to be left alone. Unfortunately…that's how things have been between her and me for the longest… I'm speaking from experience here…"

"So she'll use me whenever she wants, if it gets to that. Maybe even abuse me."

She looked so worried for me. Such a sweet girl… "I don't want to say yes to that…but I can't say no, either. I'm scared…" Can't imagine why. "Look what she's done to me…I don't want you to go through that. I would never wish that on anyone… She's dangerous."

I smirked while my eyes glazed over, "And that…is what I love about her. I'm so…so, far gone. So messed up. You should help me."

"How…?"

"If you ever have sex with Snow while he's drunk, say your sister's name. Claire, Light, Lightning. You might enjoy it more!"

Serah stared at me. Such a pretty little thing, she was. I might've kissed her if she wasn't engaged to no one. "What's the matter, Fang…?"

"Nothin'. I'm just fine."

"No, you're not…"

"_Yes, _I am! Why would I lie to you? You've been real supportive to me lately. Why haven't you been tryin' to compete with me, or bring me down? Seems off."

"There's nothing either one of us can do…it's like I said—she'll find you when she wants you…"

I gave a dry laugh, "She don't want me, Serah. She won't come find me no matter what I do. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I bring myself to the edge…she won't go lookin' for me."

"You shouldn't think like that!" she blurted. I finally looked at her, blankly. "Maybe…maybe you haven't been praying hard enough. I know you can fix her, you can help her with whatever she's going through…it's too late for me. I'd give anything to have the old Claire back…so I want you to promise you'll try harder! Bring yourself closer to the edge! She'll come looking, I know it!"

Before I could say anything, Snow came lumbering in the room and took Serah from me with a sloppy grin on his face, garbling something about him being horny. Serah wasn't resisting—she went with him to the kitchen, and I more or less had a plain view of everything. She was willing, even though I was sitting right here. She wasn't ashamed of me seeing—I've seen more of her than he had until tonight.

Next thing I knew, they were having sex in their kitchen. I wasn't looking…I didn't need to. Again I was staring down at the gunblade on my lap.

Serah was saying her sister's name. Snow wasn't understanding—just banging her on the countertop.

_Claire._

_Light._

_Lightning._

Hearing her moans, hearing her say _Fuck me, Claire, __**please**__ fuck me—I need you… _I thought of myself, saying that. I wouldn't call her Claire. Light, Lightning; sure. She would never fuck me though, no matter how much I love her. My feelings didn't matter…the intensity, the pain—it was nothing to her. I was nothing in her eyes; just obsessed scum…

There was nothing anyone could do. Vanille had her life with Hope—what did she care about me for? Serah had Snow, even if she was really only pretending he was her sister right now, right in front of me. She was whimpering to her cunt's content.

And that filthy whore was looking _right_ at me, with eyes as strong as gravity, tempting me to act.

_Lightning…it hurts, it hurts…you're so big…so big, so good…do me harder, do me harder—punish me… I'm yours, all yours…! Please…please! _

Snow moved them to another part of the kitchen where I couldn't see. She _wanted _Light to come here and find her like this, see if she'd be jealous. Here I was thinking she was my friend…my only real support. She lied to me and I fell for it; as hard as I fell for her sister…

I gripped the handle, switched easily it to its gun mode. I've had plenty of practice these past weeks.

She didn't want me. No matter how pretty I was, no matter what I did or didn't do, she didn't want me. Our friendship's gone to shits. She'd rather fuck her sister even though she won't admit to it. She keeps pushing me, pushing me…

Pushing this shaking gun to my temple. I was alone, all alone. All that I'd fought for…everything I've done…what the fuck did it matter anymore?

_Just like that, Light…just…like that! Ohhh you're so good! Keep fucking me, keep fucking me… Scare me, tear me apart…yes!_

My eyes were open wide, trying to take in something. To see some kind of truth in this eclipse, to see the future and if I was there or not. I had the tears I'd been building for months, here in my eyes. My skin on the metal, over the head of a scared little girl…that's all I was, all I've ever been, thanks to her. Thanks to _this_…

My _angel _was getting fucked in the kitchen. Light's been keeping me in line with her avoidance. I let myself fall into this. I was stupid; I'm in love. These screeching emotions, this savage obsession. Barbaric want need lust love.

I won't ask forgiveness—my faith in myself has gone dry, not like my eyes. I've been killing myself in small amounts for years…years… There ain't no cure for this: loving someone _so _hard, that you can't feel anything anymore but the blinding pain you're in when they're not around. I was always hungry, for fear, not satisfaction. And now, with my finger lightly pulling the trigger, letting it go again—I hear death crawling in my ear, like elevator music of songs that I shouldn't hear…

"Lightning…" I whispered, so weak…so pitiful… "If you love me…if I mean anything to you…if my love for you is worth anything, if it's been realized…if you feel the same…you'll find me before I say six. Six…for the letters in your real name…clarity…my only hope in this hell."

_Please, Claire…I'm your whore, I'm your bitch; I'm your anything…I…__**need**__…you…!_

I snapped—pulled the trigger all the way, wanting to _make her shut up…_

Nothing but air.

"One…"

I listened to a revolving sound, somewhere inside this thing. My eyes were streaming non-stop, my hand was shaking, trembling; my body wouldn't stop quavering. So pathetic…pathetic…fucking **PATHETIC**!

"T-Two…" More air…more spinning…and my heart was beating, beating so hard, so hard for her…only her…like she gave a shit!

"Th-three….." WHERE were these goddamn bullets! I'm SICK of this spinning! I _**KNOW**_ they're in here!

What the fuck is wrong with me! My strength, my will…where the fuck were they? Gone with Lightning, gone with her thunder, gone with her thunderstorms and her ways! Her ways that I still want, that I can't stop thinking about, that I want and need and want and need and I'm so fucking **SICK **SO ILL! I want to retch, I want to run I want her, _her_, _HER!_

And I couldn't have her…I couldn't…I can't…

I was scum. I was whatever she thought me to be—that's how much I loved her, how much I deserved to live.

"F-f-four…"

She don't want me…

_Show me how much you want me, Lightning…please, please come inside of me…make me yours…!_

"F…five…"

I felt resistance this time. Lock and load. Lock me up—shoot your load inside me. If I say six…that's it. She'll win. That's how it should be: Lightning should win. She should always win. She's spoiled…she's above everyone, everything…that's what she deserves.

This is what I deserve, for feeling this way.

She taught me that…

"Six…"


	7. Queen Kill 21

With my arm extended, golden Lionheart in hand, cold tip of the gun against her temple I stood in Snow's living room, leering at her while I stood in profile.

She was sitting there, crying, trembling while she watched the repulsion happening in the kitchen.

She didn't even know I was there until I said, "Six…"

She stopped abruptly, shook, and craned her eyes to look at me without moving her head. I'd been watching her in the shadows until now, since she started counting. I came here because I had such a strong feeling she needed me, that she'd do something to herself if I didn't save her. The feeling was so strong it was making me sick, as sick as I felt now.

I was sick with myself, for letting this happen. For making her feel like she had no way out. The only sounds that reached my ears were her, while she stood and stopped crying. She gave me a watery grin and moved the barrel of the gun in her hand right in my face, mirroring me. I think the sounds in the kitchen stopped; I wasn't sure. My own gunblade was in her hand like this—my own existence thronged so deep and hot in her eyes and heart. I saw it blazing there before me, in the reflection of the light from the kitchen, barely able to see Snow and Serah there.

And she gave me a shaky smile. I felt my face twitch into loathe. Shear loathe of her obsession. "…pitiful _fuck_," I sneered at her, "are you still in love with me, Fang? _So _in love with me to the point of sinking this low? I thought you were better than that. Is this what you wanted?"

"This is what I get," she whispered, "I'd shoot myself to love you, Lightning…I'm so far gone that I'd do anything to love you. If I loved myself…I'd be shooting you. You…you arrogant _bitch_."

I stared at her. And I know she saw her being in my eyes, burning the same, but so differently.

My chest hitched when she moved so the gun was right against my chest.

She was frowning so hard, her eyes were still wet, blurring the vision there. She still saw everything so clearly while she pushed me with the gun, made me walk backwards—diagonally to the kitchen.

The windshield in my heart kept cracking with her words, with what I kept getting closer and closer to in this bright room.

Fang wasn't stopping.

"This is what you were so scared of me findin' out." She jerked her head in their direction, and her jaw trembled before she shouted at me, "_You _used to be in that idiot's position! Him—right there! You think I give a shit who you've fucked in the past? You could've had _Vanille_ behind my back and I wouldn't give a **motherfucking** care!"

I lowered my gun when she had me pinned against the wall, practically stabbing my chest with her closeness, with the gun in her hand. She was staring me down, her fierce breathing was right in my scared face. Snow was only wearing his coat, slowing down, realizing that there was something off about having company right now.

He stopped, sounded a little sober while he turned and almost got a question out before Fang whipped around and took a shot at the door of the freezer—right next to Serah's head. She wasn't wearing anything. _One…_

That's all it took to sober him, and he started screaming, "FANG! What the HELL—"

"Piss off, Snow! I'm sick of you and your bloody ignorance! Drinkin' won't solve your problems—trust me! Your fiancée don't love you; she never did! Now get the hell over y'self and _leave_ the cunt alone!"

"WHAT? I don't believe you! And don't you start insulting Serah—"

"Get a goddamn clue already! I suggest you get it _real soon_, or you're gonna be leavin' this world with one less thing sticking out of you. And if _that_ don't work out for you, do me this one favor—_shut_ the **FUCK** UP!"

Fang grabbed me and made me leave with her, made me stumble while she gripped me by my jacket collar. We made it outside and she didn't bother herself with closing the door. She shoved me away, pointed her gun at me again.

What have I done…? What the hell did I turn her into?

"Is _this_ what _you _wanted?" she yelled at me, "Fuck, Light, you've turned my life to shit! You never accepted me or treated me fair, blamed me for what I believed and what I felt! You never gave me a chance to fucking do _anything, _and this is what happened! You're the cause for this—_you _destroyed me. I won't hesitate to destroy you with a simple hole if you don't start runnin' RIGHT now!"

"Fang, wait!—"

She fired without missing a beat, but she missed me by a long shot; her hand was shaking so damn bad, as much as she shook me up with that alone. _Two…_

I turned and ran. Not out of cowardice, not out of fear for my life. She wanted this, so I did it.

And she followed me down the street while I tore through the late night crowd, feeling that adrenaline, feeling her craze; feeling all that I'd done to her without a word or a glance for so long.

I made a huge mistake in thinking I could scare her away from me.

"The world that hates me's taken its toll NOW! I'm SICK of it and I want control! You wanted so bad to make me this _thing! _Don't try and act like you didn't see this comin', neither!"

Fang fears nothing. She didn't care about the attention we were getting, what Snow would do when he found out at least part of the story. She yelled after me with all her heart because I was all that mattered to her. She had no home anymore, she had no cares, had no morals when it came to me.

Anger, love, passion, pain, beauty, extraordinary—that was Fang…my penchant, _my_ obsession. The one I was scared to face until tonight.

I made her follow me home, still running with every drop of want I had for her. I had my door unlocked and open by the time she caught up to me, and we tore inside, she slammed the door shut behind her.

She kept the gun pointed at me, stalked after me while I walked backwards through my dark living room, "Are you sorry? D'you feel like shit right now?"

I scowled at her, "I'm not sorry, no. I just wish you didn't—"

She fired again with a trembling hand, sent a bullet right through my window somewhere behind me. _Three…_

"I _swear_, Lightning," she hissed while I stopped by my couch, let her get closer. "You've got eyes that lead me on, and a hot ass body that shows me death every time I look at you…"

I had to stop everything, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. I was getting light-headed; I couldn't keep doing this…

"Why me…?" I croaked out, barely feeling her stop right in front of me.

The cold barrel of the gun in her unsteady hand was against my chin. She made our faces stay level. The unevenness was spelling out the answer I needed for all I knew; the same she spoke aloud, "Because you think you need a reason for everything you do. I don't. I wish you'd feel like I do…it's because you don't, that I'm so…fixed on you."

Maybe it was because she had so much power behind her refusal to pull that trigger, that I kept wondering. Wondering why the hell I was being so passive right now. I only had three projectiles in my Blazefire. She had no more ammo.

I wasn't about to offer to refill _her _gunblade, either.

"So you know about Serah…"

I pretended like I was going to surrender, taking advantage of the split-second she let her guard down; flipped the script on her and spun her so her back was against my front, so her front was hard against my wall. My wall, with a picture of Serah and Snow hard against her face. The glass must have been so cold, so inviting. I wondered if she could see herself in it—in that picture.

The sounds she let out…so surrendering, so surreptitious, but I wasn't going to give in. I refused.

"This shit's gone way too far, Fang." I twisted her wrist, made her drop Blazefire with a definite soft clang. She started twisting her body, wrapping her pitiful wants around my head and ears. "Get a hold of yourself! I don't care _who _you blame, you're the one who _let _yourself fall into this. You can blame me until you're blue in the face but it won't change a thing."

I let go of her, scoffing when she had the nerve to pick up her gunblade before facing me. She stood there for so long, not saying a thing, only looking at me with eyes that wanted me dead.

And then, and there broke my resolve.

And that broke the windshield in my heart—between us—when she shot her body forward, as fast as a bullet, aiming for my mouth, aiming to kill; and she didn't miss her mark.

I fell back on the couch, toppling over, feeling a hard rush head first to the floor as if I'd dropped dead without my Lionheart in my hand, ending the twenty-one years of my life in the soft gunpowder of her beauty, of her throbbing sex.

The throbbing felt and sounded like an old clock in my mouth, against my lips while I gave more than she did. Always did I fight this battle to up her, to show her that she'd been exaggerating her pains. I had her on my floor, underneath me, using all of her memories she shared with me and breaking them with the force of my unspoken ones over her; right over her mouth. The force was unstoppable, so crushing I tasted a bit of blood against her sharpening, sharpening teeth whenever our lips thinned over them.

If anyone was going to hurt her from now on, it was going to be me. I was the only one who cared. I was the one looking down at her through closed eyes, holding her with my tenacity, stripping her of everything by holding her so steadfastly in my arms. I was here—_no one else_. I was the only one witness to the way she gripped me in her loss whenever I tasted the skin of her neck.

From now on, if she goes anywhere without me, no one will be there. She will be blind—this is what she wanted. This is what she deserves.

Her force was rupturing. Her body curved against me and from me in ways I never imagined could be so exhilarating, so imaginative. The breaths she let out were long…so deep… She wrapped her chocolate legs around me, raked her nails against my back so hard that I was sure she'd made rips in my jacket. And I teased in pulling away as much as I could, arching, still keeping my attention on her clamping lips, her darkening neck and shoulders, her breasts underneath tightening, _tightening_ _**tightening**_ black fabric.

But I didn't start this. Things will go my way when I want them to, not when she's busy dictating. So no, I wasn't about to take her on my living room floor. All the pounding of my heart paused everything, pushing her so she stayed on my floor while I stood up. In all honesty, I had to go to work now. That's why I left her there, not caring what she did to my house while I was out. If she did anything too bad, I'm sure she wouldn't mind some form of punishment. She was too dazed and used to summon the strength to follow after me.

This is what I've become, all because she couldn't control herself. I'll make her lose more, on my time.


End file.
